the kids are alright

let me tell you what my little bros were like when i left home for university.

josh: (8)

• secretly watched pokemon in the basement (highly inappropriate for an eight year old if you asked his siblings)
• faked whiplash to get out of grade two (and our mother believed him!!!)
• wore a speedo whenever possible.

nathan: (11)

• was in his harry potter glasses phase
• had an italian girlfriend named little linda (we're pretty sure her family were mafia)
• liked to quiz (embarrass) american missionaries on their (spotty) knowledge of US history.
  

they didn't:

• do chores.
• do dishes.
  
• put their fruit snacks wrappers in the garbage.
  
• put their sports equipment, including jockstraps, away after use.
  
• listen to me when i told them to clean up after themselves (possibly most annoying of all).
  

and all these things (combined with an overdose of freshman feminist studies) lead me to the conclusion that my bros (while interesting and smart) were pigs who think that women should clean up after them.

but it turns out ten years changes a lot and the truth is mom your boys are alright and not just because:

• josh does the dishes (without being asked or bribed).
• nathan cooks dinner for the entire family (his fish tacos with kiwi mango salsa were a revelation).
  
• they put their stuff away (more than they did)
• they do what they are told (most important quality in a future spouse)

i don't know what happened in the years i've been away--but whatever it was-- you done good ma!

(whitefam--az 2011--josh's 20th birthday)

junk i buy that i don't need

i've been doing a little bit of organizing (and when i say a little, i mean 20 minutes worth yesterday afternoon). here is a sampling of what i've collected in the past year and a half:

12* pairs of jeans
11 white t-shirts
10 empty notebooks, presumably for when i become harriet the spy.
9 bottles of sunscreen
8* candles
7 kinds of shampoo for people with "red" hair
6 bottles of body firming lotion
5 black skirts
4 colours of foundation
3 yoga mats
2 boxes of ribbon
and a partridge in a pear tree (no seriously)

i'm kind of horrified. i don't need all this stuff. i certainly don't use much of it.

from here we could probably launch into a discussion about what a nitwit i am and how this post should really be called "junk she buys to distract herself from her lame little existence." ya we could go their, and there would be a lot to say, but i'm feeling charitable with myself this morning, so instead i'm giving myself a little challenge.

mercedes r. white is it possible for you to go one week without buying a darn thing? you can't spend one red cent. not even on gas.....

CAN i do it? the safe money is probably on no. in fact, judging from the success of my little no pants no problem experiment, i'll probably make it to day 4 and then give in and buy new shoes. on the other hand in abstaining, i may find meaning, world peace, and my tweezers....

or maybe i'll just save some dough (which would be an equally huge shock to my system).

so any tips for junk buying addiction recovery? any tips for living the good life without paying for it?

*numbers maybe slightly exaggerated.

Stuff I'd Like to Say but Don't:

i used to never (ever) think about if what i had to say was offensive. the time i asked a spinster church teacher why, if motherhood was so important, she wasn't out there multiplying and replenishing the earth looms especially large. the result of my uninhibited expression?

for 25 years everyone thought i was a major jerk. (i was)

somewhere along the way i decided that i wanted people to like me. so pulled my head out of my heine and learned a few social skills, in particular that one should make an effort to consider the experiences, values, and opinions of others before opening one's big fat self righteous mouth.

so the upside of this is that i've learned how to not loose friends and alienate people. on the other hand, i've become paranoid about being offensive. now trust me, having everyone think you are a jerk is no picnic, but constantly worrying about offending people is downright exhausting. and if you'll permit me to get really melodramatic here, not ever saying anything because you are worried about causing offense is downright soul crushing.

i guess this is a long way of saying that i've got some stuff i need to get off my chest. so in no particular order:

1. i'm sending my kid to daycare. i don't want to hear a bunch of BS about how kid is going to turn into a sociopath and always have colds. trust me, it is better than the alternative.

2. i think it ridiculous that the "largest womens organization in the world" has to get permission from a bunch of men before they do anything. let's stop trying to pretend we are something that we are not.

3. tacquitos aren't diet food and when you tell me you want to loose weight and then snarf a costco sized bag, don't expect me to pat you on the back and say, "good choice."

4. i want to have a puppy more than i want to have a baby. it definitely has something to do with the fact that daycare for babies costs $2,500/month while daycare for puppies is a relative steal at just $515/month.

5. if i am really going to be honest with myself--SL,UT isn't so bad after all. in fact, i sort of like it here. i might buy a house here. i might stay here a while. i've probably just lost all credibility with some of my friends for saying this.

6. if he doesn't ask you out, it isn't that he is intimidated by you.
the fact is: HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. move along.

so that's all. actually it isn't, but that is all i am brave enough to post on my blob. so there. judge me. anything you want to get off your chest? stuff you'd like to say but don't?

return to me

-lancome tweezers that i have had since i was like 19.
ten years is a long time. i'm attached. michael don't judge me for acting like my dog ran away ok.

-running shoes.
michael you hid them didn't you. this is payback for years of shamelessly hiding your stupid shoe horn isn't it.

-nice nude coloured bra.
who looses their bra?

-ability to conduct an automobile without scumming to fits of rage wherein i curse out and cut off every other driver on the road.
in my defense utah drivers made me this way.....they are the kind of drivers who have a peace signs on their license plates and then give you the finger while trying to run you out of your lane. at least i don't have a peace sign on my car.

what are you missing?

dreamworks state of mind

i can't sleep. i've lost my appetite. i feel nauseous. i can't concentrate. i'm full of nervous energy.

so what, you may ask, is my problem?

no one has died. no one lost their job. and i'm not pregnant. we aren't moving yet.

oh no.

the truth is that i have fallen into the vortex that is called "trying to decide which netflix instant viewing film to watch" and i can't get out.

i'll decide i want to watch a movie and literally like TWO hours later i am still trying to narrow down my picks. i think instant viewing is the worst nightmare of people like me. people who have a hard time making decisions. drama? documentary? you've got mail for the 150th time? the endless possibilities are killing me!

this situation shouldn't come as a shock to those who know me. after all, i'm the person who holds up the line at tim horton's for ten minutes trying to decide what kind of TIMBITS to get.

deciding where to go for dinner warrants a TWO hour exploratory appointment with google.

i think it is totally normal to ask EVERY.SINGLE.PERSON in my life if i should....buy that shirt....or this pair of pants.

i'm not exactly sure what my problem is. maybe i suffer from the paralyzing fear of death--which means that i think every time i do something i'm convinced it's the last time i'll do it (because then i will die) and i want to make sure whatever i pick it isn't a dud.

(who wants to be the dud that goes out on a dud?)

maybe its the curse of the libra (libra's according to my maternal grandfather are terrible decision makers).

one way avoiding the netflix vortex of indecision is to go in with a plan for what i am going to watch. i'm running out of movies people have recommended though and i'm going to fall back in that black hole unless you all help me out. how about i'll share some of my favorites with you all and then you hit me with your best shots ok?

here it goes:

• the cove (a documentary about dolphins. made we want to join PETA and i'm not even an animal lover type)
• damages (tv series starring glenn close. intense thrilling legal drama)
• girl with the dragon tattoo (don't bother watching the hornets nest and the playing with fire one....they suck....tattoo is very good though).
  
• restrepo (documentary about military unit based in afghanistan)
• the stoning of soraya m (film about honour killing in iran)
• the north and the south (pride and prejudice meets economic theory)
• last station (for tolstoy lovers)

ok friends. i am counting on you. help me. you are my only hope. tell me what i need to watch this weekend.

on zumba

we joined a gym. there are lots of nice machines, rooms for group classes, racquetball courts, two pools, a climbing wall and some basketball courts. there is a lot i could do there, but, for the most part all i've wanted to do is hang out in the steam room.

my rationale: steam rooms, like working out, involve lots of sweating. but then someone reminded me that they don't require much in the way of personal effort.....

but zumba does. so this week i tried it.

now i'm just going to go ahead and say it: i judge a book based on its cover. had i seen a zumba class before actually attending a zumba class there is no way in H. E. double hockey sticks i would have gone.

why?

because at our gym zumba class consists of a bunch of former cheerleader cougar types shaking their bon-bons for an hour. i don't so much have a problem with old timers shaking it like a polaroid picture. what freaks me out is when the class is full of ladies who have 20 year old bodies and a 75 year old faces (presumably from spending too much time in the toaster tanning oven). but then again....that is sandy, utah for you.


so i am standing there waiting for the class to start and kind of feeling like an idiot because:
1. i have a 12 year old face and a 80 year old body.
2. i do not have a tan.

but then the music came on, lady gaga's poker face, and before i knew it i was bouncing around with the best of them. the high point came when we did a bollywood inspired dance.

i liked that one so much that i came home and downloaded the song so i can PRACTICE at home.....because i think i have found my new passion in life: being a zumba bollywood dancer. forget law school. i'm going to make it in bombay!

oh ya. and i am really sore. the kind of sore where you can't lay on your back at night because the pressure from the weight of your body on your backside really hurts.

no pants. no problem: day 4

thoughts:

1. it is cold out and i am not in the mood for a dress* right now.
2. we are still having picture problems.....
3. what makeup colours do well for red heads? i think i'm looking a little washed out.

skirt: gap, sweater: tory burch for bergdof goodman, tights: gap, shoes....oh you can't see 'em.
the gap has been a goldmine lately....seriously diggin' it.
*oh and when i say dress....i usually mean skirt