Feeling Crusty

we've all read those "cute" letters to things like feet and waistlines on the shi shi blogs. i am not knocking them. i actually love them and the bloggers who write them, people like her and her....

i thought about writing some letters too.....except every time i sit down to write a letter i come out sounding more like hunter s. thompson in the fear and loathing letters than the nice, sweet, thoughtful blogger i aspire to be...

but the truth is that lately i've been feeling a little crusty. if catharsis works will getting my grievances off my chest make me feel better? here goes nothing.

dear michael: i have no idea what you put in that hamburger meat but now our house smells like a third world country. this is to put you on notice: you no longer have unsupervised seasoning privileges. also i am really glad right now that you insisted we buy febreeze in bulk.

dear utah: it isn't you, it's me. i can't handle your dry climate, or your funky culture, or how your people name their children things like Alivyiah, Tridger or Kaegrin. i'm sure you have some redeeming qualities, i'd just prefer not to be the one who has to look for them. (it is you).

dear jason chaffetz: i know you are trying to make a name for yourself in washington, but taking a page out of hilter's political play book isn't the way to win friends and influence people.

dear humidity: enough is enough. 4/4 mornings this week i've woken up soaking wet. i feel gross (and trust me it is your fault. it has nothing to do with the inordinate amount of fried food i've eaten this week...nothing at all).

dear really bad waiter at cambridge common: we have eaten at cambridge common twice in the last 7 days. both times you screwed orders up. you seem like a nice kid, but if you seriously don't know the difference between chicken fingers and chicken wings it might be time to consider a new line of work.

xo mercedes

i need to know i'm not the only one out there who feels crusty sometimes. leave your grievences in my comments....and i sort of feel better. thanks for asking.


nerak said...

lady. you are the best. i loved this. and i'm with you on hating 'creative' mormon names. ugh. sick.

Becka said...

You have me seriously cracking up, especially the (it is you) at the end of your Utah letter! With you on crazy names, too. LOVED IT

Abbie said...

Dear Boxes in my front room...

Unpack yourself!


Regina said...

Dear Ex boyfriend: I spent a lovely weekend with you, I'm sorry there was no *beep beep* but you really need to be more aggressive. Or else I fall asleep. Then I wake up cranky and embarassed. It's definitely all you baby.

hehe that's just one grievance...I am crusty...you are crusty but that's okay because we all still love one another.

ps...what the heck would Michael have put in burgers to make them smell like that? interesting
much love,

Mercedes said...

about half a bottle of curry and some molasses.

mom/Janet said...

Hey, just had to comment. Saw your blog on your mom's blog. You do know that Alivyiah, Tridger of twins that don't exists don't you? The blogger is a phantom girl. She is making it all up. Just didn't know if you knew. On the other hand - - the 'Mormon' culture is wacky for making up names. Drives me crazy too. I loved your letters and I wish Abbie's boxes would upback themselves too. You soon will be writing letters to your boxes. :)
Janet Abbie's mom

Mercedes said...

janet thanks for the comment! i was trying to think of brutal utah names, but i love the way the girl on "seriously so blessed" totally goes over the top with her "kids" names and spellings so i decided to rip them off. maybe i should have linked to that post. i love reading the seriously so blessed blog though. what a hoot. good to hear from you janet!


Bonnie Tonita White said...

Dear Eldest Daughter: I know you have your reasons for not being here but I have serious Mercedes' cravings. How can I buy a new wardrobe without you? How can I navigate through all those eyeshadow colors? How can I be really truly and completely happy when you are so far away?

Sarah said...

Dear Offspring,

5 am on a weekend is far too early for a wakeup call. And while you did fall asleep for another 2 hours, *I* could not.
Please learn to love sleeping in. I will reward you monetarily. SERIOUSLY!

It's a good thing you are cute.

Yawning Mom.


Dear Snoozing in the bed,

You are in trouble. What did you do? Sleep. I know, the world does not make sense sometimes. I still don't believe that you are impervious to the baby monitor noises. Especially when they are yelling "Momma, Dadda- and then goes on to include the chorus of row row row your boat.

Luckily I'm a quick forgiver. If there are pancakes involved in the apology.

your soon to be hearing impaired wife


Golden Girl said...

A little girl at work asked me what happened to my face. I asked her if I had something on it, like toothpaste or something. She said, "No." But she was still looking incredulously at my face. Then I realized what had happened to my face. I lived 61 years! She was looking at my wrinkles! I usually don't care, but I don't want to go around grossing out small children. Mercedes, help!