back to the blob*

a couple of weeks ago i was in a meeting with some people. during a lull in the conversation, one of the attendee's turned to me and said:

"i read your blog. you are kind of off the wall."

the way it was said, i couldn't tell if being "off the wall" was intended as a compliment. i wasn't really getting the vibe that is was.....inside i cringed. i was embarrassed. i felt like a bloomin' idiot. so on the drive home i was thinking about all the ways to avoid feeling these kinds of things....

the truth is the person who said i was "off the wall" has NO IDEA how nutty i really am. my blog is a pretty pithy representation of what i think and feel. i've got oodles of unpublished posts. posts i decided not to put up because i thought they might make me look stupid or crazy or hurt people's feelings. i haven't been brave enough to open myself up that much and i haven't wanted to be judged based on something i wrote on my blog. the truth is judgment is unavoidable. and in my case,in trying to protect myself from judgment, i've lost my voice. straight up lame.

for me, the solution isn't going private. only expressing things in safe space won't help me learn to better articulate my ideas. it won't help me find the courage i need to say hard things when they need to be said. it won't help me learn to be a more diplomatic writer.

so this year....my blog is going to be me. real mercedes. all of me...most of me...more of me than you have seen in the past (this being open stuff is kind of scary--and the oprah expose on blog security doesn't exactly help) so if you read something and you think...."man that mercedes is kinda nuts"...yes i kinda am.

*on one of the blogs i read the author calls her blog her BLOB. i just love that and imitation is flattery and all that stuff.